I’m not quite ready, frankly speaking. Not ready to leave, nor to stay. It’s been an extended detour that lasted months, for no other reason than to sidetrack the self. I experienced an array of emotions; there were some light hearted moments, occasional clarity, but also, extreme despair.
There’s only so much contemplating one can do, in a state of confusion. The recurring thoughts center around happiness. Happiness which I consistently strived, yet too easily sacrificed. Happiness despite flaws and imperfections. Happiness in failures, and in the best and worst of times. Heartfelt happiness that brings hope, and guides one back to the self. Happiness that teaches one how to accept, and let go.
At the heart of it all, there is only one pursuit.
Denial was the only escape I knew. To bask in reality was a problem for later, for when everything would be perfect.
But this, here, was the perfection I tirelessly sought. One that I thought I could jump right into, and all else would be history.
Such black and white logic was bound to be a fallacy, but in the pursuit of a distant dream, it seemed infallible.
Ill-equipped as I was, the struggles came hard and unexpected, and translated into anxiety and fear. Although this time, there was no more denying; I was honest with my feelings.
They were heavy. So much so that I couldn’t slow down. Couldn’t bear a moment of silence. Couldn’t breathe, or even look up. I began to throw away away things, give up others, to make room for all that I had to carry. I learned to forgo the false expectations, and self-induced disappointments. Luckily, sanity remained, as I slowly transitioned into a world of hard truths, stripped of all the glory that only existed in my mind.
Summer is half over, but this game of catch-up isn’t ending anytime soon. If true exhaustion is the ultimate destination, I believe I’m not far.
Far are those days where I awoke to the sound of birds chirping, hiked rocky mountains, watched sunsets by the river, and spent hours after hours in blissful silence. When was that, if not a lifetime ago, another world away?
It took much mindless living and doing, to reacquaint with that profound clarity I’d once had but soon lost. I searched many corners of the world for it, only to find it here. A place so close yet unknown to me.
The road that was almost too long to travel, took me here before I gave up altogether. Thankfully.
Not an easy goodbye to wave, to the journey that’s now behind me. Neither do I feel nearly as ready, to face all that’s ahead. Why did no one ever tell me, that a pursuit never ends? It only changes.
In all that wishing for the impossible, I cajoled myself into thinking how far I was, only to miss how close I could’ve been. A very fine line, between dreaming, and living a dream, one that I hesitated long enough to draw.
Stubbornness took me so far as to hold on to my far-fetched, seemingly unrealistic, and slightly absurd ambitions. Then I wandered, doubted, waited, and waited.
After living out of a suitcase for about a month or so, I’ve moved on to living out of a couple of suitcases. Who would’ve thought finding shelter would be such hassle?
BUT. Despite being ‘homeless,’ and all other things that are less than satisfactory, or perhaps by that I meant falling short of perfection, I owe a debt of gratitude to all that I have and have been given.
The longest wait has ended. The anxiously repetitive days ended. Worries eased. Changes happened.
Where I would rather be, if not here and now?
No longer is life a dream too far. All the other problems are only minor.